Week 32:
I can't shake the constant feelings of sadness, frustration, and unworthiness.
Tomorrow I am meeting with our Rector to discuss the rollercoaster of what's happening. Specifically? The ongoing challenges between my head and heart. I've spent significant time this week in deep thought. As layers of pain have built up throughout the past several months of OCIA in my personal life, I have responded by leaning into Christ, both in purifying the faith facet of conversion through prayer and the academic element by keeping myself busy with the vast number of resources available to OCIA candidates. Still, there is a lingering feeling of disconnect that I cannot shake with these classes.
I can hear that I'm being called to a better life through Jesus and the Catholic Church, but the friction and grief of letting the old self die is difficult. The anchor I've created for myself while feeling adrift in this season has been cultivating the rhythm of daily study and prayer, combined with work, and furthering my higher education... I've also adopted some feral colony rescue kittens (read: Kitten Chaos (TM) 24/7).
After a solid week of reflection, the plan is to continue marching toward confirmation on March 31, 2024. As of writing, I'm not sure if another round of OCIA will change the dynamic of the serious challenges and life shifts. The question from last week, "If not now, then when?" also continues to counter every objection my brain has thrown out there.
Eight years ago, I sat on the cold, worn marble floor of the Hagia Sophia in Istanbul, alone, stunned into silence by a mosaic of Christ above the Imperial Gate. The inscription read, "Let peace and safety be with you. I am the peace and glorious light of the universe." I heard then the call of Christ, as intensely now as I hear the call to conversion and formally joining the Church... I simply have to get out of my own way.
This Sunday is the Rite of Election in the OCIA process. As with most elements of OCIA, I've had to research "what" this actually is. Basically all of the websites leave a lot to be desired, so here is what the AI has to say from catholic.chat—the robot had far more valuable information than any other resource:
"The Rite of Election is a liturgical ceremony within the Catholic Church that marks an important step in the process of initiation into the Church for catechumens (those preparing for baptism) and candidates (those already baptized in another Christian tradition seeking full communion with the Catholic Church). It typically takes place on the first Sunday of Lent and is celebrated at the diocesan level by the bishop or his delegate.
During the Rite of Election, catechumens and candidates publicly express their desire to be initiated into the Catholic Church and are formally recognized by the Church community. The ceremony is called the "Rite of Election" because it signifies the Church's election or choosing of these individuals for the sacraments of initiation.
The rite begins with a procession of the catechumens and candidates, accompanied by their godparents and sponsors, entering the church. The bishop or his delegate welcomes them and addresses the assembly, emphasizing the importance of this step in their faith journey. The catechumens and candidates then stand before the bishop, who calls them by name and affirms their readiness for the sacraments.
After the names are called, the godparents and sponsors present the catechumens and candidates to the bishop, who signs them with the sign of the cross as a visible sign of their election. The godparents and sponsors also vouch for their readiness and commitment. The Rite of Election includes prayers of intercession for the catechumens and candidates, asking for God's grace and guidance throughout their journey. The assembly, including the godparents, sponsors, and the entire faith community, also affirms their support and prayers for those preparing for initiation.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church does not specifically mention the Rite of Election. However, it does discuss the process of Christian initiation and the importance of the sacraments of Baptism, Confirmation, and Eucharist (CCC 1212-1321). The Rite of Election is a significant step within this process, as it marks the Church's recognition and acceptance of those who are preparing to receive these sacraments."
That's a wrap for this entry... seven more weeks to go.
In Christ,
Kayla