Week 31: If not now, when?
Today was difficult—the most challenging since I started the OCIA process last August.
#SpoilerAlert: Cognitive dissonance ultimately surfaced.
Our priestly interviews were scheduled for today, and I spent the last week in deep reflection and prayer preparing for the session, drafting notes to concisely discuss the seven primary challenges I'm laboring through in the last stretch before beginning Lent and the upcoming Rites.
First, I was told to fill out paperwork I have completed four times since last August: once electronically, and thrice physically. I was unprepared for this to be "the straw that broke the camel's back," but all of the frustrations and concerns I've been carrying over the past 31 weeks began to bubble to the surface, and then... The priests were occupied, so I met with a Deacon, not realizing I wouldn't be meeting with our priests today. The conversation was fine, but not what I had prepared and squared my shoulders for. Once again I left feeling as if perhaps OCIA isn't as important as I've framed, approached, and dedicated myself to.
After a solid fifteen minutes in my vehicle after post-interview crying (not normal), I proceeded to choke through sobbing to a dear (Catholic) friend that I felt was going crazy, and I was the problem. What I'm seeing from the program is that perhaps a conversion of heart isn't something serious, and the eight months of OCIA is merely a means to an end to bring in another body to sit in a pew that isn't a cradle Catholic. The majority of the evening has been occupied with doubts that are now 100% in focus that I've suppressed for months:
The Catechism: Why did I read it for comprehension?
The Catholic Bible: Why have I been compelled to finish before Confirmation?
The Imitation of Christ: Doesn't matter, could have paced and postponed that.
17,005 minutes in prayer and study over the past 225 days? Unnecessary.
Am I going to have to go through OCIA again?
Is it time to turn off my brain, suck it up, and get through confirmation?
A singular question has lingered for the past few days as I prepared for the interview, and remains as the counterargument during this evening's cognitive dissonance carnival: If not now (confirmation), when?
I have been encircling Catholic conversion for eleven years, and knowing for certain the Catholic faith is the indisputable truth for eight of these years (nearly to the day) while working to break down the walls and misconceptions I wrongly built against the Church over time. My family is anti-Catholic, is what it is. I will have to work through the duality of holding both friends who are anti-Catholic and anti-Christian close, understanding they have been hurt by the Church while preserving my deep faith. Born and raised in a liberal environment, I will consistently struggle. Unafraid as a natural challenger, I will continually ask questions.
A year from now, assuming I go through OCIA again in a different Parish, I will conceivably still be struggling with the above, and I am at a crossroads: It is essential to consider in the coming weeks if I want to hold the dichotomies of living as a Catholic in full communion with the Church, or to continue to stand apart from the faith. If not now, when?
Planning to skip OCIA -cut tomorrow- today (it is after midnight as of writing) because I need the space. Confirmed with the Parish next door that I can drop into their OCIA classes on Tuesday evenings... I want to double up so I can hear the perspectives of others and meet more local Catholics over these final weeks. The Rite of Sending & Election is next Sunday, and I've registered for our Parish's silent Lenten retreat on February 24th.
I'll take any prayers if you have them.
In Christ,
Kayla