Week 10: Questions

With this post, I am taking my FreeWrite device for its maiden voyage! Typically, I average about 10,000 words per week in Grammarly, however, the constant distractions of editing in-app combined with the internet connectivity of the Macbook make it far too easy to allow myself to indulge in many different ways to do everything except actually writing. I hope this little gadget ends up paying for itself by the end of the year!*

Week ten has involved a study of Saint Francis, and beginning to dive deeply into the details of the rosary. A friend said not to "think I was a bad Catholic" if I didn't enjoy praying the rosary when starting, but I have found great focus and meditative peace in this method of prayer. The repetition combined with the tactile nature of handling and counting the beads within the decade is grounding, especially considering our always-on 24/7 screentime culture. For me, praying the whole rosary doesn't feel like much time passes at all, which has been an honest surprise. 

This week's focus and education sessions on Saint Francis encouraged reflection, and a response to each of these questions is the majority of this entry. I've also included them at the end so that you can copy and paste them for your journal if you wish to reflect on them as well.

Who am I? This question is such a challenge to answer after thirty-five years of being molded to the societal expectations around being defined by the roles we fill in the workplace. You cannot pray experience over someone, though, and if contemplating life experiences to shape this answer is required, my response would read something like: "I'm resilient and endlessly creative, through and through. A natural writer, visual artist, and sometimes a classical musician when pressed. I have a wide variety of interests, and academics and faith are important to me. People have described me as 'MacGyver,' because I will do whatever it takes—cleverly and seemingly effortlessly—to solve a challenge or problem, and friends would describe me as a deep-thinker (perhaps over-thinker) and diligent."

I'm still working out my relationship with God, and am in year seven of deep contemplation and knowing Him. Currently, I would describe God as my strength; a consistent reinforcement who has been whispering "Got your six," frequently as of late. God has been reassuring yet firm in signs that I'm exactly where I need to be, at the right time, and even though I don't know what is on the horizon for me, He knows and forward movement is happening. For the first time in my life, I'm leaning into and learning to trust God exhaustively. I stand before God as an anxious wreck some days, wholly secure other days. Contemplating this question, and considering where I'm at in the CCC, this week I acknowledged with a lot of gratitude that I'm not... angry. In my teens, an older relative once described how she told my biological father that he was "lucky to have a daughter who doesn't hold on to anger." Recalling this moment and sitting with the statement again was impactful. Like so many, there is much in my past that I could be enraged about; statistically improbable circumstances, and years rife with unyielding pain, grief, and suffering. Regardless, I've never been angry at God. I inherently appear to understand everything that has happened in the past was not His will, but simply the consequences of mortal brokenness. How does God see me? I am not sure, but desire Him to see me now as a diligent student, while simultaneously deepening my faith and reliance. Uncomplicatedly in love, radiating devotion, and standing before Him with no anger and an open heart... and only a bit apprehensive by nature.

The prompt "What is bitter in my life, and how can I allow the Lord to transform this bitterness and make it sweet?" required a moment of vulnerability and being honest with myself to answer. Relationships are often painful, and I do believe that only God could transform my struggles with trusting others (but only if I allow the transformation to happen). I default to keeping most at an arms-length away habitually—alone is safer. I perceive courtesy and kindness (small or big) as a burden to others, and I don't want to burden anyone. The result has been hyper-independence with a habit of cutting others off prematurely; I'm not certain if I ever will find a partner because of this. Sweetness would be the transformation of this lifelong learned hesitation to trust others, and apprehension. 

I'm still in prayerful reflection and pursuing clarity on the mission Jesus has for me, how God may be asking me to rebuild his church, and how He wants me to rebuild my life. Three years ago, I answered the call to continue my education, and all of the doors that needed to open along the way did: most of my previously earned credits transferred, low-interest Federal loans have covered tuition so I don't need to take on any private predatory education debt, and I have maintained a 4.0. With an official acknowledgment this past Monday, I found out that three years of academic excellence distinguishes my upcoming graduation with Honors and (pretty!) regalia. The latest call I've started to glimpse is enrolling in the MAPS program at Loyola Chicago (MA Pastoral Studies), with a concentration on Servant Leadership and Digital Communications. I've been researching universities for my Master's for months; one step I can take toward living out the mission God wants for me is to write the statement of purpose for the Institute of Pastoral Studies instead of thinking about it. My mission may be supporting those who Evangelize the faith into furthering accessible resources, perhaps in education. I've also been deeply inspired by St. Mary Magdelene, and how she used her resources/wealth to support the disciples. 

I believe God is asking me to rebuild my foundation of assurance via a sweeping conviction in Him. For many years, I frequently made the self-deprecating quip, "I always stumble at the finish line and fall flat on my face." Over the past eighteen months, I've been transforming this self-limiting statement. All that has been rebuilt in my life over the past few years forced me to affirm personal failure is not the whole story. I know the cycle of suffering is over, and somewhere along the road, I handed it all over to the Lord. Recognizing that I've been kept by God for all of these years was the first step, now it is time to reinforce all of his love and unconditional mercy, embracing what my life looks like from this perspective. 

My faith transformation has been radical over the past decade, yet somehow from here, it all makes sense. My mother was not religious but seemed to understand it was important for me to attend church when I was invited by friends. She once said, "I don't want to push anything (religious), you need to figure it out for yourself." Interfaith extended family and friends were the norm, with Judaism and Presbyterianism begetting the loudest spokespeople around me in faith, while the Moravian church underscored a religious model I desired. The radically transformative moment where I sensed Jesus for the first time, and what I'm understanding now was conceivably the Holy Spirit, took place at the Hagia Sophia in Sultanahmet, Istanbul (February 2016). Wrapping words around this experience is incredibly complex; I felt peace and unconditional adoration for the first time in my life while sitting in silence on the cold marble floor at the threshold of the Imperial Door, virtually alone in this historic site due to ongoing renovations (the security guards had let me in)... Imagine the shock when I realized the Hagia Sophia's connection with the Catholic Church only recently! But these are details for another time. Since the moment Christ spoke to me there, I have not turned back. I waited several more years to be baptized from the (mistaken) viewpoint of needing to earn the right to be dunked—through significant study and internal heart posturing—before I could make my public commitment to Christ. Sitting here drafting these words, I've now been baptized for slightly over two years, and am (24) weeks away from officially entering the Catholic church. Needless to write, I am sure there will be additional revelations along the way over the following six months.

In other news, I'm meeting with Father Kastl tomorrow afternoon to discuss the matters outlined in my last entry. I've spent time this week brainstorming ideas for the educators and ways even I could help our Becoming Catholic classes in some small form each week, but I'm not certain if this is possible since I'm still non-Catholic. Some potential ideas I'm bringing to the meeting for leadership and educators to consider are:

• Educators could note questions they don't know the answer to instead of trying to fumble on their feet, and then email the class later,

• OR revisit questions from the prior week at the start of the next class as an active learning recap,

• The development of a solid FAQ document as both an educator and student resource, with explanations from the CCC (I will edit and design it! I will have it printed professionally! Heck, I'll have the guide LAMINATED and sealed in nice envelopes), and

• The ongoing management of media recommendations and external resources for the class to explore the faith further on their own time.

I hope to discuss an action plan for educators to review their content from the lens of newcomers discerning the faith, so they are thinking about what a Catholic beginner may have questions over. Maybe... I could take some unofficial notes since I'm bringing my laptop to class anyhow, and the lecturer can read/make edits and then deploy those out to the class so we have some sort of perpetual study guide. 

These ideas don't appear especially lofty from my perspective since project management and an unwavering commitment to the academic approach in all things are the status quo at this desk. I may not be Catholic yet, but I CAN help now.

Finally, I spent some time late last night working on a Saint JPII large-format print design I'm having produced, and working through typography and format indecisions for weeks now. The solid, reflective, late-night design session did wonders for refinements. Can't wait to see the piece in person!

Thanks for reading, and God bless,

—K

The prompts utilized for this entry are below as a reference, and you can also click here to check out Hallow's Saints in Seven Days to learn more.

Who am I?

Who is God to me?

How do I stand before God?

What is bitter in my life?

How can I allow the Lord to transform bitterness and make it sweet?

How is God asking me to rebuild the church?

What is he asking me to rebuild in my life?

What has Jesus taught me about my mission?

What is he asking of me?

What is one step I can take toward living out the mission God has asked me to do?

Ponder your radical faith transformation.

* For this first drafting session, I was 40% more productive based on word count, which is amazing!